Friday night I dreamt about death. It permeated every nook and cranny of my dreams until I woke up very disturbed. I decided I didn't want to sit home depressed. I thought of the graveyard, but then I thought of something else. I decided I wanted to give a gift to those my father loved. I narrowed it down to those that were closest to him and lived nearby. I couldn't go everywhere.
I wanted to give them something alive. I really wanted to give each person a baby tree that could be planted when spring came, but nobody carries little trees this time of the year, unless you count baby Christmas trees that are wilting and leftover from the season. I instead decided on paper whites.
The woman at the nursery told me that they won't last forever, perhaps just a few weeks, and that they can't even be planted in our climate, but there was just something so very beautiful about the delicate, white blooms. They have a strong scent that permeates the house. I also picked up a small bear to go with each bunch of paper whites.
I first stopped at my sisters and visited with her for a little while. I dropped some of to my grandmother. I have to admit that I left them on her doorstep with a note and rang the doorbell and ran. We have sometimes not been on the best of terms. It was fun to leave them in this fashion as well, as a sort of surprise. I then made my final stop to my step-mother. I even bought some for myself.
The note was not elaborate. It just expressed that I was thinking of them that day. I was remembering my father, and by remembering him, remembering everyone he loves.
I drove home feeling uplifted, as if I had been on his errand. I am sure it is just my delusions of grandeur to even say that. It made me feel better in some small way. I wish I could say I went home and felt wonderful the rest of the day, but I did still feel sad.
It has been nice though to continue to see the flowers grow, and I am absolutely amazed how quickly they grow. They are beautiful and they remind me of him.
